Have you ever wondered why you argue so much with your partner? Why you keep fighting so much or why you feel so stuck in the same arguments, over and over? Identifying and exploring your and each others’ attachment style is the key to understanding this (Johnson, 2008).
Our attachment styles greatly influence how we get along in relationships (Johnson, 2008). For instance, they determine how we cope with separation from our loved ones, how we handle conflict, and how comfortable we feel with closeness. Below, I’ll explain how each of the most common attachment styles look like in our relationships. There are three main attachment styles that dominate prevalence in human nature, all others are variants of these three main attachment styles but for the sake of time constraints, simplicity, and to provide an overall overview, I’ll stick to these three main ones: Secured, Anxious, and Avoidant attachment styles.
Your childhood upbringing in addition to your temperament (i.e., genetics) influences how your attachment style will shape into adulthood. When it comes to your childhood, if you experience stress related to how your needs got, or didn’t get met, specifically shapes your central nervous system (CNS) into responding in one of three ways: fight, flight, or freeze. This is how our bodies keep us safe not just from physical danger but emotional danger as well. Yes, to our bodies it feels just the same even though consciously we know otherwise. Your body will always override your thinking when it comes to a dangerous situation.
Secured Attachment Style
A secure attachment style simply means that you’re not afraid to get emotionally close to others due to not fearing they’ll hurt you or leave you. This can stem from being able to unconsciously know who is safe and who isn’t. You tend to trust others as being mostly good as you tend to not see the world as a dangerous place but rather, give the benefit of the doubt to others in having a good nature. If you have this attachment style, you likely experienced caregivers that were loving and responsive to your needs. However, this does not mean that when under pressure, for instance, if a partner threatens to leave, that your attachment style won’t necessarily remain intact as we all continue to have the same basic needs of feeling wanted, accepted, and loved. When one partner has a secure attachment style, it becomes somewhat easier to do counseling work as they’ve either done enough healing, or, they’re naturally secured and this is a useful strength to have in a relationship.
Anxious Attachment Style
If you’re someone who struggles with an anxious attachment style then your struggle mostly consists of having great fears of people leaving you, being unsure if others will like you and accept you. Perhaps you have an internal belief system that others may not like you and therefore, reject you and even leave you. To try and survive this, you may find yourself coping in different ways such as unconsciously tending to “people please”, put the needs of others first before yours, and over extend yourself to others to the point where others may end up taking advantage of your kind nature from being so nice. External validation is super important to you and you seek it to feel accepted and safe.
When you don’t get your needs met, you feel “needy” and uneasy as to where you stand with regards to others but especially with your significant other. It is the anxiety of not knowing where you stand with your partner that leads you to appear as “needy.” As a result, your partner may feel as if they need some “space from the relationship.” While some professionals (Levine & Heller, 2012) would encourage you to simply look for someone with a secured attachment style, as a therapist myself, I would encourage you to instead do the work so that you can heal. Why this recommendation? Because healing brings with you a sense of inner peace that can extend to improve your other relationships as well. It is also more effective to heal within the context of an intimate relationship. If you’re in the process of getting married, this is especially needed so as to go into marriage with more reassurance that this is going to work out. Many mistakenly go into marriage believing that “marriage” will keep their partner from leaving but this is a fallacy that you may not see until you’re married. This is because what you understood (cognitively) to be true, does not coincide with your body’s sense of safety and it’s our body that most people do not have awareness of. The field of therapy itself had not been aware of the tremendous influence of what our bodies tell us until van der Kolk (2014) published his groundbreaking research. Thus, your CNS protects you by “fighting” for yourself and the wellness of your relationship by seeking closeness; at times, too much closeness.
Avoidant Attachment Style
Whereas a person with an anxious attachment style seeks proximity and closeness, if you have an avoidant attachment style you tend to seek comfort with distance and independence. Think of it as “avoiding” closeness in intimacy, be it in friendships or romantically with your significant other. Others may notice you to be more distant and less involved, especially when conflict comes up. The way you tend to cope with the painful emotions that come with conflict, is by seeking distance. Perhaps you will want to get some space until you cool down. Or you may simply end up “shutting down” if forced to be present.
Thus your CNS protects you by fleeing (“flight”) or by shutting down (“freezing”). The way this plays out is your CNS drives you to take off from the situation or by freezing you so as to self preserve from further hurt. Closeness in a relationship or encountering intense emotions from your partner may feel suffocating at times.
Other Variants: Fearful-Avoidant and Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Styles
Fearful-avoidant, is when you seek closeness but once you get it, you’re unsure what to do with it, switching from anxious into “avoidant” mode. It would be this attachment style that could be more challenging in being responsive to a partner.
Dismissive-avoidant, in which you or your partner “dismisses” the other as a means to protect oneself though not necessarily with the intention to hurt you, but to protect themselves.
Conclusion: Which Attachment Style Might You Have?
After reading about the three different attachment styles, which of the three do you identify with? And which do you see your partner as having? Also, do you notice if this helps identify the issues that create conflict or that can lead to a negative cycle when you get into arguments? If you find it difficult to identify which attachment style you may have, you can take a quiz that could help you identify yours here, Attachment Style. If you’d like further guidance on how to identify and improve your attachment style prior to, or now that you’re married, you can book an appointment here. I can provide help in person in San Antonio, or virtual, online anywhere in Texas. Together, we can work on improving you and your partner’s attachment style so as to create a more fulfilling and happy relationship, saving you years of unnecessary hardship.
References:
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company.
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2012). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
Disclaimer: This information is intended to be for general informational purposes and is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. Human error in this writing is also a possibility. For a more accurate assessment of your specific situation, please seek the advice or help from a qualified mental health professional directly.
The author has checked with and used sources believed to be reliable in his efforts to provide information that is complete and generally in accord with ethical standards of practice. However, in view of the possibility of human error or changes in behavioral, mental health, or medical sciences, neither the author, nor anyone who contributed to this author’s knowledgebase of this work warrants that the information contained herein is in every respect accurate or complete, and they are not responsible for any errors or omissions or the results obtained from the use of such information. Readers are encouraged to confirm the information contained in this article with other sources.